Garden of Eden

Take care of the garden
take care of the plants and the animals
 the water and the sky.
Take care of each other,
for when you neglect each other,
everything suffers.
And to me,
everything matters.

The Cranberries - Zombie

The Swell Season - Leave (Live on KEXP)

The Swell Season - "Low Rising"

Thoughts on Snow

I look at the snow falling outside on what seems to be a miserable day and I have to ask, "Is snowy winter a consequence of 'the fall'? Is snowy weather an evil? Was the 'Garden of Eden' in a constant state of sunny summer time bliss?" Surely the answer is no. Paradise has seasons. There is a dryness and a barrenness that contributes to paradise. If God set creation into a state of perfect harmony - the cycles and the seasons were extremely important. So as we enter into a season of deep wintery slumber and our hearts wait for Springtime - may we remember that there is snowfall in paradise and that even death resides in a good garden.

Bury My Heart At Wounded Knee - Music Video

Little Wonders

Driving down the highway with a young native girl towards her foster home. We had just come from a visit with her mother and her little sister. This is my job - supervised visits with foster kids and their parents, usually right after they're taken from their parents. 

When I first got this job, I didn't really consider just how much my job required me to step into some of the most broken, messy lives possible. Imagine being 10 years old with an alcoholic mother and a violent father. Now imagine it's your birthday party and your mom is drunk and laying in her own vomit on the bathroom floor and your dad is yelling at her through the bathroom door. The door bell rings - you're expecting the pizza man, but instead 2 police walk in. Even at 10 years old you experience the mixed emotions of extreme fear and extreme relief, that someone is finally going to answer your prayers - and get your mom the help she needs. Now imagine that drive in the back of a cop car with your little brother. Where are you going? Will you ever be back? Is your future in your hands in any way?

Tonight, while driving - this girl, who've I've been driving for the last 3 months opened up to me about how she really feels and about her memory of 'that day'. I can't go into detail about the event - but let's just say,  as she shared her story in the way only a shy, broken 13 year old could - it felt like a thousand  hearts were breaking in the seat beside me. She wasn't sad or angry - she spoke matter-of-factly. It's like she understood that no matter what she did - she had no control over what happens next in her life. Part way through her story, she saw an airplane but confused it for a star. She said, "Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight, I wish I may I wish I might have the wish I wish tonight - I don't care if you're an airplane - you're the only star I can see." 

I told her that when there aren't any stars she should pray - but smiled and said it doesn't work. I smiled and we drove in silence. After 2 or 3 songs passed on the radio, she said, "I am gonna make a phone call to God tonight". I replied, "me too."

She then put on this CD and played her favorite song and told me about the music video on youtube to it. Here it is:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mFqbyvgAkPY&feature=fvw

This city is full of hurting families - we can't even begin to imagine the depth of hopelessness. Do the kids in her school know she's a foster kid? No. No one knows who she is. Sure, they know she's native - and for most people in Calgary, apparently that's all you need to know about someone to figure out that they're not worth knowing. I can't help but wonder if her ethnicity has brought her family to this place. 

I feel a jumble of emotions. Do we pray? Do we go and freaking introduce ourselves to our neighbors? Do we dive into the food pantry to avoid facing the hopelessness? Do we cry? Do we become foster parents? I don't know. But I can't help but suspect that if my eyes were opened to see reality - things like money and hairstyles and paint colors - starbucks and blogs wouldn't mean very much. 

Chaos Among Other Things

You live with a group of people and the main thing you argue over is house cleaning. Some people feel anxious when there is mess - others feel the comfort of a lived- in home. Some people feel anxious when forced to clean, others feel peace when invested in a simple afternoon of folding laundry.
There is a lot of potential for harmony. Potentially, we could rely on each other's strength and we could 'see' what causes anxiety and what causes peace and feed off of each other's positive energy. Rather, we often feed off of each other's anxiety and in one moment the house turns to total chaos. One person can't clean because she's overwhelmed - the other feels content with the current state of the house and so rejects the idea of being forced to do meaningless work. Someone else feels silently responsible for the entire thing and so slaves away. No one talks - chaos takes over our home, our hearts, our identity.

Chaos - the opposite of harmony.

I feel like my job is chaos sometimes and my schedule. There are also the deeper things; my marriage, my family, my emotions. I look on a global scale and I see only Chaos - hurricanes, famine, humans being sold for a pair of shoes.

It says in Genesis that in the beginning, the earth was formless and void: i.e. total chaos. In the beginning there was Chaos. I don't think it much matters the details of the process in which God dealt with the chaos, the point is simply that in the Creation Narrative - God is the hero, and Chaos is the enemy. When God is finished, everything is in a perfect state of harmony. We can hardly grasp the harmony required for us to be able to inhale oxygen - to fight disease - to reproduce. Everything on earth was in a perfect state of balance and everything worked together. The people and their garden - their God and their lover.
It seems to me, this is the story of God's people. Chaos has been the enemy and God has been the hero - triumphing with harmony. Sin causes chaos. Self-centerdness can throw off the balance and send everything into a downward spiral of chaos.

My favorite part of the Genesis is how at the end of the Creation - God takes a Sabbath. It's like it isn't enough for God to put everything into perfect order and harmony - God also takes a day to enjoy it.

As a community we strive for Sabbath. That after overcoming the chaos of sin in our lives by relying on God's example of selfless love - we would live in a state of Sabbath.

We strive to glimpse the Kingdom of Heaven - where Chaos is silenced and harmony is everything; where justice flows like a river.

Mother Sky

Social Media Revolution

The Fountain Soundtrack - 10 Together We Will Live Forever

Poem about the Soul by Juan Ramon Jimenez

I am not I.
                                                                       I am this one
Walking beside me, whom I do not see,
Whom at times I manage to visit,
And at other times I forget.
The one who forgives, sweet, when I hate,
The one who remains silent when I talk,
The one who takes a walk when I am indoors,
The one who will remain standing when I die.

Translated by Robert Bly

My First 50 Mountains

So I haven't done 50 yet, but I'll edit this post everytime I climb a new one until there are 50. If you need information on how to climb or get to or anything else, one of these mountains, just comment and I'll send you a detailed description and pictures.

1. Praire Mountain 15 times since 2008
2. Nihahi Ridge Traverse July 2009
3. Mount Allan Sept 2009
4. Eiffel Peak Aug. 15th, 2009
5. Heart Mountain June 23rd, 2010
6. Squaw's Tit (ST Mountain) July 3rd, 2010
7. Mount Yamnuska three times since June 28th, 2010
8. Mount Baldy July 10th, 2010
9. Mount Fullerton July 14th, 2010
10. Most of Mount Bogart July 24th
11. South end of Mount Kidd July 25th
12. Mount Lawrence Grassi Aug 7th
13. Yamnuska Sept Long 2010
14. Opal Ridge Aug 2010
15. Mount Tyrwhitt Oct. 7th
16. Mount Pocaterra Oct. 7-8th
17. Grizzly Peak July 2011
18. Mount Lady McDonald July 2011
19. Mount FairView July 2011
20. Big Sister Aug 2011
21. The Wedge July 2012
22. The Fortress July 2012
23. Mt. Chester Oct. 2012
24. Mt. Temple Sept 2012
25. Mt. Bogart July 2012
26. Storm Mount Aug 2012
27. Mist Mountain Aug. 2012
28. Loder and Doorjam June 2012
29. Mnt. Indefatigueable Sept. 2012
30. True North Summit of Nihahi Aug. 2012
31.

Mount Yamnuska

Mount Yamnuska's Nikayla-Free days ended on Monday.
But it didn't let me take it without a fight. On the way down, it also stole the seat of my pants.
I was sliding down a scree-ish gully having the time of my life and stood up to an especially chilly breeze that favoured my left cheek. I had torn the butt right out of my pants. As far as I'm concerned, in my case, that's good bear proofing right there. No animal, wild or not, wants to watch the show I was putting on.

Mount Yamnuska was beautiful but there wasn't nearly enough scrambling. It's mostly just a strenuous hike. I plan on doing 'Middle Sister', 'Blue Rock', 'Grotto', and 'Grizzly Peak' all before my birthday.

Indian Wisdom

Do not grieve. Misfortunes will happen to the wisest and best of men. Death will come, always out of season. It is the command of the Great Spirit, and all nations and people must obey. What is past and what cannot be prevented should not be grieved for ... Misfortunes do not flourish particularly in our lives - they grow everywhere.

Big Elk - Omaha Chief

My Summer So Far

I have bush-wacked (ya that's right, I can use that phrase in sentences) up a giant hill east of Nihahi ridge thinking I was bush wacking up Nihahi Ridge - that was fun, until I got to the top and realized I jumped the gun a little. But once I caught my breath, I sat down with DR  and enjoyed the silence.
The next weekend I hiked up Nihahi Ridge with some people I don't really know - that was fun; I had done the hike 3 times so I was the tour guide - the insatiable show off in me was giddy all the way up. The bad news however, was that just before we got to the top, people were coming down saying that it was too dangerous to climb due to snow. Then some British Guys (who apparently also had insatiable show offs in themselves) wearing helmets and bearing gigantic ice axes came down declaring that it was unsafe. So would this stop me? No- too bad for the Brits - they don't have mountains, they have hills. So we went up and up and up. It was sketchy, but it was so fun. The true scrambling began - we climbed up a little waterfall/chimney and my heart was glad within me. As we neared the top, there was just DR, his little brother, and 2 guys left- and although we were determined, when we made it up onto the actual ridge it was suicide. For those of you who have never scrambled - basically the ridge has exposure on both sides. Well the top was snowcapped and we tried walking - er, I mean crawling along the ridge (which is 7 km long) and finally we all turned back. However, DR and Glen noticed a small trail going up a side of the mountain that we did not originally climb - and they wanted to head down it and see what adventure we could find. The two guys left us to our own devices and David and Glen then began Lemur Hoping down the side of the snowy, shale-y mountain side. It ended up being a blast. You could jump as high as you can and you'd always land softly. Good day regardless of the fact we did not finish our hike.
Two days later I asked Mike to go mountain biking with me around the Elbow Loop to celebrate Summer Solstice - well, it was amazing fun - but we only made it about 15 km around (out of the 43) before we turned back due to a river flowing over the path (all the snow that was on Nihahi 2 days before was now ruining another wilderness adventure for me) and also because we were losing day light. But man mountain biking is fun.

Frustrated that in 3 outings I had failed to finish any of the journeys I drove out by myself on Wednesday night towards Canmore looking for a mountain called Ha-Ling Peak. About 45 minutes before the mountain should have been there, I found another mountain that looked like a heart - I suspected it might be Heart Mountain. I parked my car and hauled my determined butt to the top. Allan Kane said it would take 3-4 hours round trip, and I was at the top in 1 hour and 20 minutes. Did I feel like letting out a Giant Lion-King style roar? You betcha. I felt like a champion. On the way down this steep scrambling I lost a little confidence - confusing squirrels with bears will do that to a girl, but alas, I made it back to my car and with all of the positive endorphins surging through my veins, I felt high as a kite. I had summited a mountain finally, and I did it all alone.
Two days later I had a date with Maddi and she wanted to go for a walk. I knew that meant a 1 hour outing for her, but I convinced myself that we could do a hike labelled as 6 hours in about an hour - so I told her I had found the perfect one. We headed towards Ribbon Falls. It was the most glorious walk - extremely easy, nearly no elevation gained - anyone can do it - and everyone SHOULD do it - the mountain valley and water falls were exceptional. Maddi had a blast until about the 3rd hour and she began to worry. But when all was said and done, the whole journey took us 4 hours and we were in Calgary at Unleashed almost on time.

So far, in about 10 days, I've gone up a mini-fake-Nihahi, climbed Nihahi, done half the Elbow Loop and sumitted Heart Mountain and walked to Ribbon Falls. Am I having the most amazing summer of my life? Yes.

I'm also sitting here enjoying a lettuce and tomatoe Sandwich compliments of my tomato and lettuce garden on my patio. Ahhhhhhhh life is too good.

Biblical Theology of Wealth and Poverty - The Course I spent $1000 on

I'm sitting in a starbucks right now trying to buckle down, knuckle down and do it do it do it. What am I trying to do? Homework! I'm taking a course called, "Biblical Theology of Wealth and Poverty" and I'm trying to let it change me.  So far it's almost working. My longing to understand who God is and who his people *were* is growing deeper. I'm realizing, however, just how disconnected I am from that context. The only poor people I am confronted with in my Urban Calgary environment are drug addicted beggars who we all KNOW are just going to spend change on drugs and if I give them food - then they have all the more money to spend on their drug of choice. So I've grown callous towards the poor - I forget that Calgary's poor aren't really poor but are in fact still part of the wealthiest 5% of the world. There are people who are so poor they must sell their children into the sex trade to feed themselves or their other children - these are the poor I should consider when I'm studying this course. It's such a complicated place to be in right now.  I spent $1000 to enroll in the course where I learned that it's basically not ok that I spend $1000 on private university education. Now I'm at a Starbucks with my laptop studying how God's people responded to social injustice in the ancient world. I'm confused and stuck and I feel like the more I invest into my pursuit of God, the farther away I get from The Kingdom.

Never Seem to Last...

A seedling once broke out from the muddy ground

It was nothing more than a little sunshine bound .

Beneath that tree the children would dance and sing

As if with words a tree could bring

A song.

That tree still stands though many years have passed.

It hardly notices the winters which never seem to last.

Those silly dancing children are now but wind

Who’ve left behind nothing - neither love nor kin.

Now there is just that lonely old tree

With no heart to love nor eyes to see.

Poem by Frost...

Nothing Gold Can Stay by Robert Frost
Nature's first green is gold, 
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower; 
But only so an hour. 
Then leaf subsides to leaf. 
So Eden sank to grief, 
So dawn goes down to day. 
Nothing gold can stay.

I set out...

I set out on an epic journey.

The city is in my rear view mirror and my bag is packed with all bare necessities.

I arrive after what seems like eons at the side of the road, next to a creek that has no official name.

My own presence strikes me like a heavy blow at the sound of my door slamming as I leave the comfort of my automobile and enter a space that is infinitely bigger than myself – where my thoughts, like the wind, wisp past me into nothingness.

I begin up the worn animal trail into the forest towards a peak I cannot yet see. After 2 long hours the fresh reviving scent of pine has become commonplace and the feeling of dirt beneath my feet becomes boring. I no longer notice the changing path and strange distant sounds. I don’t even notice the path getting smaller until it is gone and I am left to navigate without the help of autumn herds that once journeyed here – I now step out onto a path that I must create alone. I can taste the salty goodness of things to come.

But alas, the taste in my mouth reminds me also that the greatest test of faith remains ahead. I now find myself being whipped in the face with branches and bushes and tall green grasses – I stumble across fallen ancient trees like fallen forgotten soldiers. I clumsily make noises that nature rejects – wailing birds and squeaking squirrels protest my  destruction of their once harmonious space. Logs crack and shoes scrape along jagged rocks and crispy leaves. When will the mountain come? It should be here by now. I find myself in a state of doubt – maybe I’ve gone the wrong way? Maybe I should go back, maybe I should check the map – maybe I’ve messed the whole thing up – and to the worst thought of all – maybe I hate this – I want to go home and watch tv – I’m tired and I’m not sure I believe in the peak anymore. My skin is hurting from scratches and scrapes and bug bites – strange bushes rub my legs and make them burn – I cannot find my footing here – I’m too tall, too stiff, too dumb to go on.

But my fear and anxiety push me until I can feel the warmth surging through my veins – my lungs beat me into submission – I cannot stop – up and up and up I go – kicking ass and taking names of trees that don’t fascinate me and branches that don’t threaten me. I hate this forest and I want to be rid of all the nonsense that once promised good things to me.

Finally! I notice the trees are getting skinnier – I can fit my hands around them – they’re tiny and very close together – I must weave my way through now – and I can feel the soil is much shallower – hard mountainy rock is right under my foot. As I step now, I hear the high pitch squeal of shale – I’m not in the forest anymore. I feel the sun hit my face and send shivers down into my bones –  I remember that I am alone. I remember that I can’t hear traffic or aeroplanes or bear bells in the distance. I’m all by myself now – there are no deer or squirrels in this place. I’m on the rocky face of an unnamed mountain and the peak is in sight – ominous and magnificent.

The truth is so simple – once you wade through superstitious orthodoxies – once words stop slashing at my legs and whipping my face – once doctrines and dogmas begin slipping out of sight and the now uninhibited wind has free access to my entire being – now I feel myself getting closer to true religion. I’m no longer looking at each footstep hoping not to make the wrong noises or meet the wrong friends – now I am free to reach and strain for what’s ahead – there is nothing to doubt. Sure, there are big steps and dangerous ledges – wrong footing remains a concern – but the path is clear now – go up. So up I go. The sting in my muscles is utterly delicious. With each step I am closer to the top – the wind is overwhelming and the view is demanding hat I take it in, but not yet! I tell the panorama - not yet – I cannot look just yet! As I reach my arms to pull myself up one last time, I close my eyes, sit down and take a deep breath. Now I can open my eyes and see.

A long raspy wow growls up from the depths of my being. Theosis – divinity –  truth. My brain doesn’t understand the vastness of the world my eyes behold – millions of tiny mountains as far as the eye can see – and nothing else. Mountains that make me look like a speck of dust that have been here since before any human in all of history ever breathed – mountains older than Moses – older than thoughts. Mountains that will remain even after I am dead and have turned to dust – Mountains that will remain even after one hundred generations have come and become dust.  

I build a fire and consider staying forever but I know this is not possible. I must climb down back through the itchy trees and into dark forests – back towards the sound of cars on gravel and into my stupid red car. When I arrive,  I turn the ignition while the door is still open – the loud beeping noise of mechanical reminders tells me I am about to leave my home and return to a prison cell of computers and suburban churches and empty words.

This Season's Occasion

What is it with my unrelenting need for encouragement? As a Pastor - I have been recently pondering the occasion of my resignation. Why am I leaving?

I have to ask myself how much it has to do with the allure of 'fame'.

When I began leading - I had a huge fan club. So many people thought I was the best 'speaker' the best ' counselor' the best 'comedian' - I was adorned with praise. This encouragement gave me courage (hence enCOURAGEment) to try new things and continue growing. The more people praised me and showed their excitement in me - the more I tried.

But over time.... I was confronted with the hard truth that not every single sermon of mine could be the world's best; not every single student in the youth group would ordain me their hero. I couldn't change every life and protect every heart. This reality further developed. Soon I saw that many students actually didn't connect with me - many even actually didn't like me. Many students went back to drugs or abusive boyfriends or paralyzing laziness. As time went on, people felt more confident to tell me that they did NOT like my sermon - or did not like the event I planned. Now in the ministry, there are one or two kids who I can always count on to roll their eyes at me or interupt me to ask me how much longer I'll be. There's even the kid who rates me 5/10 to my face - and I could go on.

With the joy of seeing kids grow confident in their trust of me - there also came sorrow. As kids have begun to see me as their faithful mentor or even their loving sister, they've also grown into the familial comfortableness which allows them to tell me when I stink and when I annoy them.

In the same way that I probably didn't tell my mom that she cooked good food - or told my sister that she was really hilarious and witty - in the same way I never told my dad I appreciated how hard he works - so the students have quit noticing the times I blow a hundred dollars on buying brand name snacks instead of another week of 'president's choice'; they don't notice the times I've stayed on facebook until 3 am reassuring them that they will indeed find their soulmate one day or that they are forgiven and pure even though they slept with a stranger on new years. No one notices it anymore - because they expect it.

So am I quitting because I miss being the cool new product? No, I don't think so. I think I'm leaving for the right reasons - but every time someone says 'Oh Nikayla's speaking again? Man, she always speaks', then the little voice in my head says, 'don't worry -- only 4 more weeks and you never have to talk to that person again if you don't want to!'

But then - every time I get a letter from a student that says, "you've change my life forever - I was so alone and confused - but then I met you, and you mentored me and now I am going to change the world" - then the voice in my head says: "Don't leave, you can't leave, she needs you". So as I say goodbye - it is bittersweet. It's like I don't have to clean up dirty diapers anymore or deal with snotty nosed babies - but I also don't get to witness the first steps, and the giggles, and I won't be standing there with my arms open wide when the toddlers scrape their knees and need a loving embrace to whisper 'it's going to be ok'. Like a mother watching her children move on and move out - I'm alone at home, wondering what to do with the newly acquired space in my life. I Fear that I some how didn't do enough, or didn't do it long enough; I just desire more than anything to see them prosper and grow into their own skin so they can be all that I've always believed they can be.

While I'm tempted to look to the future as an opportunity to be famous again - to be adorned with praise - I look to the past and realize that people rarely remember to praise the people they love and trust. We only ever praise the people we want to be accepted by - once we're accepted (and boy those kids knew I accepted them) we're just comfortable enough to be ourselves and say it like it is. If I had to choose between being famous and being with a group of kids that truly know how much I love and believe in them - I'd choose the latter, even if once a month I get cranky and tell the 5/10 kid that he sucks. :)

How He Loves Us

Even when facebook is popping non stop with the hearts of young teens reaching out and pulling in - even when I feel like I'm running full speed down a mountain to keep up with what is expected of me (to clarify: what I expect of myself) - this song keeps lingering in the back ground:

He loves us. He loves us. We are his portion, he his our price, drawn to redepmtion by the grace in his eyes, if grace is an ocean we're all sinking. Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss and my heart turns violently inside of my chest, I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way he loves us. He loves us. He loves us. Even when I stop running and turn off facebook and switch my phone to silent - even when my blood pressure rises at the thought of answering my phone or responding to emails - even then, he loves us.

He loves the youth group - even when I don't. He loves them even when I'm not there - not running - not pulling and reaching - not fixing or holding pieces together - He loves them. He is jealous for them - his weight and mercy bears down on them.

I feel like if I keep typing, this fleeting truth might stop for a moment. It's as if I'm chasing a hat in the wind - it's this trinket of life shattering truth that is floating by and as soon as I go to grab it it just skips away in the unseen wind. Damnit. Do you love them? Do you love me? Because I sure bloody love them - who's going to love them when I leave? Promise me that you'll love them better than I did.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

He loves us. Oh how he loves us. Oh how he loves us. He loves us. He loves us. He loves us.

Resignation

I'm handing in my letter of resignation tonight at an Elder's meeting. It's a death and a rebirth. The letter goes something like this: "These have been the best five years of my life, and probably the best five years I'll ever have, but I am so glad they're freaking over".

I have no idea what's going to happen next. I have a feeling that some of these teens will be in my life forever - but is that healthy? I'm not sure. I suppose not having to run the program will be a break in and of itself.

Now, I hope I honor the teens with my life - I hope they see me as being Christ-like. I don't want them to see a quitter, but someone who is growing, developing, transcending. I wish they could see my heart, that I don't want to hurt anyone or abandon anyone - I really think this is best.

Is it possible that at 22 years old I understand the empty nest syndrome? Am I prepared to have teenagers now that I have to painfully let them go for their own good?

I have a feeling the next 6 months are going to be full of birthing pangs.