I have to ask myself how much it has to do with the allure of 'fame'.
When I began leading - I had a huge fan club. So many people thought I was the best 'speaker' the best ' counselor' the best 'comedian' - I was adorned with praise. This encouragement gave me courage (hence enCOURAGEment) to try new things and continue growing. The more people praised me and showed their excitement in me - the more I tried.
But over time.... I was confronted with the hard truth that not every single sermon of mine could be the world's best; not every single student in the youth group would ordain me their hero. I couldn't change every life and protect every heart. This reality further developed. Soon I saw that many students actually didn't connect with me - many even actually didn't like me. Many students went back to drugs or abusive boyfriends or paralyzing laziness. As time went on, people felt more confident to tell me that they did NOT like my sermon - or did not like the event I planned. Now in the ministry, there are one or two kids who I can always count on to roll their eyes at me or interupt me to ask me how much longer I'll be. There's even the kid who rates me 5/10 to my face - and I could go on.
With the joy of seeing kids grow confident in their trust of me - there also came sorrow. As kids have begun to see me as their faithful mentor or even their loving sister, they've also grown into the familial comfortableness which allows them to tell me when I stink and when I annoy them.
In the same way that I probably didn't tell my mom that she cooked good food - or told my sister that she was really hilarious and witty - in the same way I never told my dad I appreciated how hard he works - so the students have quit noticing the times I blow a hundred dollars on buying brand name snacks instead of another week of 'president's choice'; they don't notice the times I've stayed on facebook until 3 am reassuring them that they will indeed find their soulmate one day or that they are forgiven and pure even though they slept with a stranger on new years. No one notices it anymore - because they expect it.
So am I quitting because I miss being the cool new product? No, I don't think so. I think I'm leaving for the right reasons - but every time someone says 'Oh Nikayla's speaking again? Man, she always speaks', then the little voice in my head says, 'don't worry -- only 4 more weeks and you never have to talk to that person again if you don't want to!'
But then - every time I get a letter from a student that says, "you've change my life forever - I was so alone and confused - but then I met you, and you mentored me and now I am going to change the world" - then the voice in my head says: "Don't leave, you can't leave, she needs you". So as I say goodbye - it is bittersweet. It's like I don't have to clean up dirty diapers anymore or deal with snotty nosed babies - but I also don't get to witness the first steps, and the giggles, and I won't be standing there with my arms open wide when the toddlers scrape their knees and need a loving embrace to whisper 'it's going to be ok'. Like a mother watching her children move on and move out - I'm alone at home, wondering what to do with the newly acquired space in my life. I Fear that I some how didn't do enough, or didn't do it long enough; I just desire more than anything to see them prosper and grow into their own skin so they can be all that I've always believed they can be.
While I'm tempted to look to the future as an opportunity to be famous again - to be adorned with praise - I look to the past and realize that people rarely remember to praise the people they love and trust. We only ever praise the people we want to be accepted by - once we're accepted (and boy those kids knew I accepted them) we're just comfortable enough to be ourselves and say it like it is. If I had to choose between being famous and being with a group of kids that truly know how much I love and believe in them - I'd choose the latter, even if once a month I get cranky and tell the 5/10 kid that he sucks. :)
This was a very rich read Nikayla. Liked the connections of the themes and how you captured a lot in so few a word.
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