Lately, in the last 13 monthes, quiet monastic voices have been calling my name. I have been drawn ever so gently into the silent way of living. I read a book called "Mountain of Silence" by Markides Kyrakios and it changed my life. I've felt strongly about retreating from the busy city life into the wild to listen.
Last October I headed to the mountains by myself for a day. I climbed a small mountain called Praire Mountain - it was a very spiritual experience for me. Although it was only about a 2.5 hour climb, the view was very rewarding. To be all by myself sharing only with my own thoughts the excitement of my accomplishment was life-changing.
From that day on, I was hooked. Regardless of the intense anxiety I felt about the possibility of being confronted by an angry bear, I was so glad I made the trip.
I headed out many more times that fall to explore paths along highway 66. In my brutal ignorance - I thought I was some sort of champion. I am still learning, over a year later, that there are thousands of hiking trails in Kananaskis and in my naivety I thought I was unique for driving down the highway. Upon recently learning that 98% of the people who travel through Kananaskis and Banff National Park have never been more than a kilometer from the highways - I was disgusted with humanity and yet intensely grateful for the gift it has left behind for the few people like me who want nothing more than to be in the quiet hills.
I've climbed Praire Mountain 3 more times since that day, and now I've also climbed Nihahi Ridge, Powderface, and Moose Mountain. I have plans this summer to summit Eifel Tower, Mount Temple, and this week I'm taking some youth to hike across Nihahi ridge to camp out on the other side and walk back on the path half way down the ridge. For my birthday, I'm also dreaming of climbing Banded Peak, Mount Outlaw, Cornwall, and Glascow in two days.
In the midst of my passions for the mountains I've also gained a curiosity regarding bears. Whenever i'm in the mountains I'm wondering if there really are bears around me. Many people, I've discovered avoid the mountains out of fear of the bears. Rather than give into the silliness and stay away from the most beautiful place in the universe because of stupid fears and a busy meaningless lifestyle, I decided to research. I've been reading on the internet for the last 4 or 5 monthes as well as renting many movies to learn about safety in the woods.
First of all, this has been the stupidest idea. My fear of bears has only increased and now when I'm in the hills I'm taking such extreme precautions that I feel like a clown. I've got noise makers and a $60 bottle of bear spray - I hardly enjoy the silence because the sound of my beating hart drowns everything out.
My fears however, have not kept me away. I research and learn about every single bear sighting in K- country and am always excited about the prospect of learning something new.
Well - last week mother nature brought me down a few pegs. Thursday evening I took a really amazing young 15 year old from my youth group to climb Powderface from the west side. The view of Nihahi is incredible and you can perfectly see the Banded Peak - Glascow foursome. Of course, on the way there I thoroughly described my apprehensions about bears and taught her all of the necessary precautions from making noise to ensuring that she not have her period. How rediculous of me! We made a noise-maker from a bottle and stones because I feared that bearbells only told bears there was food nearby!
The hike was amazing - the view was spectactular and I had so much fun with my friend. On the way down the mountain we decided to take a sightly different path down to the road and walk along the road to my car - about 1 km. It was about 8:45 pm and we were walking loudly down the gravel road speaking in goofy accents. Suddenly, we saw a culvert in the distance and she found it very fascinating. She had never been in the woods so everything was new to her. While she was checking out the big metal pipe that went under the road, something caught my eye. In less than an instant, adrenaline shot through my veins and my heart fell into my knees. An adult grizzly bear was about 50 yards from us walking in the clearing imediately to the left of us. It had not yet noticed us. Were we about to spook it? How could it have not noticed us! Does it have a cub? What do we do? I've never used bearspay before! I just carry it so I look responsible and tough - not to actually ever need it!!! I calmly walked over to Demi and stood strangly close to her as though she could protect me. I calmly told her to hand me the bearspray as there was a giant grizzly bear right beside us. Horror came into her eyes and she handed me the orange spray bottle. "What do we do?" she asked repeatedly. I said, "just keep walking as though we never noticed it - slowly, and calmly leave the area". I stood between her and the bear and was too afraid to look at it. She however, had no such fear. She couldn't stop checking it out. "Is it looking?" I asked repeatedly. "Yes! it sees us! It's looking our way!" This is when the praying began. Her and I just prayed that we'd be safe. We walked intensely towards the vehicle. The bear returned to his munching and eventually was out of sight. Naturally, this did not ease our apprehensions and our knees were weak all the way to the car and even after we were safely locked inside.
I realize that I missed out on an amazing opportunity - there was a beautiful grizzly bear right beside us, and I hardly even looked at it. The scariest moment of my life was also possibly the most exciting. We turned around and drove back to try and catch a glimpse of it - but alas, it was gone for good. Every night since the encounter my mind finds its way back to that mountain scene in the quiet moments between being awake and asleep. I remember the exact second I saw the bear and the fear that flooded my veins. My memories are a little more skewed now as my mind goes to the alternate endings as though that night was a choose your own adventure story book. In my dream the bear attacks and I heroicly order Demi to crawl into the culvert and I stand bravely to spray a cloud of pepper spray- stopping the gizzly in it's tracks. Other scenarios include the two of us stuffed into the culvert freezing to death as the stream of icy water courses around us. Then there is the scenario where we are so scared we get lost and never find the car - terrified and alone in the dark, bear infested forest.
The truth is - the reason that experience was so memorable is that I was confronted with my own finitude. There was nothing in the world I could do but walk away. We don't realize just how many of our thoughts are already invested in both the near and distant future. Struck with my own finitude, my thoughts were in the single moment in front of me - and they were in that moment alone. There was no 'what if' or 'what next' - just that moment. I realize once again how small and powerless I am no matter how much I read or how many cans of bear spray I carry. Iam a passive member of creation - with no idea of the future.
Alas - monastic voices have grown louder as I am surely being emptied of egotistical sentiments. I really have no idea how the real world works and I have no confidence in my ability to navigate through it. To be confronted with this reality is exactly what the human soul needs.
